By YUSUF K. DAWOOD Year 2009 was a busy period so far in my lifetime. It was also lopsided because my three other “wives” – surgery, Rotary and writing – claimed a lot of my time.
I travelled to Arusha, Dublin, Zanzibar and Kigali in connection with the College of Surgeons of East, Central and Southern Africa.
For Rotary, I went to the headquarters in Chicago for a week in March to be initiated as Regional Rotary Foundation Coordinator for English speaking Africa, and to Seychelles in October to train the incoming African District Governors.
On the literary scene, I finished writing what will become my tenth book – a novel titled The Eye of the Storm – and handed the manuscript to my publishers.
As for the “Surgeons Diary”, my editor does not mind how far I travel and for how long, as long as he, like Shylock, gets his “pound of flesh”. The “Diary” must be supplied in advance for the time I am away!
In fulfilling my commitment to these three inanimate wives, I realised that I had neglected my genuine spouse, Marie. Since I justify my polygamy on the basis that I treat all my wives equally, I decided to restore the balance by taking Marie on a Caribbean Cruise in October.
A cruise always reminds me of a diary that a young lady kept while she was on her maiden voyage. It read as follows:
Monday: Boarded the luxury ship which carries 1,000 passengers and 500 crew. Will take a while to settle down.
Tuesday: Toured the amenities on board – gym, swimming pools, sauna, steam bath, restaurants, theatres, casinos, shops, bars, lounges – all very posh.
Wednesday: Invited to the captain’s table for dinner. Asked me to his cabin for coffee after dinner.
Thursday: Ditto. Accompanied captain to his cabin and he offered me a Bailey’s with coffee this time.
Friday: Repeat of last night. Captain made advances but I resisted. Still remain good friends.
Saturday: Had private dinner with the captain in his cabin. Usual advances after dinner. Became quite desperate and threatened to sink the ship if I did not give in to him. Stood my ground though.
Sunday: Saved 1500 lives!
I cannot match my “Diary” with this lady’s saucy account but will follow her pattern and give a daily report as we sailed on the Caribbean Sea.
For the first three days, Marie and I were busy surveying the ship. Like aircraft, cruise ships are getting larger by the year. Ours had 3,000 passengers and 1,400 crew.
I reckoned if the young lady was travelling with us, she would have saved many more lives than she did!
One night we dined with a couple, who introduced themselves as Mr Denham and Mrs Seymour. As Marie looked at them with her feminine curiosity, Mrs Seymour explained. “We are not husband and wife. We meet on this ship every year for two weeks”.
“I have a husband at home in Devon and Ron has a wife in Newcastle. We and our spouses have always taken separate holidays.
“My husband does not know what I am up to and I don’t care what he does during his two weeks holiday. Before we get off the ship, Ron and I will book our next cruise in the ship’s sales office.
“Once we say goodbye at the end of the cruise, we don’t communicate with each other, until we meet next year when we make up for lost time!”
On being naively asked by another table companion if they shared a cabin, Mrs Seymour replied “Of course. That’s the sole object of the exercise and the star attraction. The change keeps our marriage alive!”
Our first stop was St Maarten, a beautiful small island which has a “dual personality”. Half of it belongs to the Dutch and the other half to the French.
Like many Caribbean islands, St Maarten was sighted by Christopher Columbus, but was successively occupied by French, Portuguese, English, Dutch and Spanish colonial powers.
Slaves from Africa were brought in to develop it and that explains the present demography of all the islands in the region.
Legend has it that when the Spanish finally withdrew from St Maarten in the middle of the 17th century, they left behind four Frenchmen and four Dutchmen, from their crew.
Since they did not see any chance of being repatriated to their own countries, they decided to stay and divide the island in a unique way.
One Frenchman and one Dutchman stood back to back at one point and then decided to walk in the opposite direction round the island. They split the island from the point they started to the point they met again! Apparently their written agreement is the oldest between two nations!
Kiosk owner
We did some shopping in St Maarten. The local kiosk owner was a charming saleswoman. I did the haggling with her and at the end, Marie offered her the money.
“I would rather your husband paid me,” said the lady.
“Why, what’s wrong with me?” asked gender conscious Marie.
“In our culture, if a man pays a woman, the money is doubly blessed!” Having boosted my ego, she turned to me.
“You have bought presents for your wife, daughter and son but nothing for you. Let me tempt you to buy something,” she said with a seductive turn of her eyes and voice.
“If you insist on a present for me,” I said blushing. “You come to the ship with me!”
The lovely lady hugged me and presented me with a key ring. “I can’t come with you but you can have a memento from me!” she said.
One evening we attended a show in the ship’s magnificent theatre. A comedian from the West End of London was performing.
“A man went to a chemist and asked for Viagra,” he said at the start of his show.
“Do you have a prescription from your doctor?” asked the chemist.
“No”, replied the man. “But I have a certificate from my wife!”
Next day was warm and sunny. We had our buffet lunch on the top deck and met four interesting people – three women and one man, all with medical connotations.
“My husband developed severe chest pain in the cabin last night,” she told Marie.
“I rang 999 and two paramedics came and took him to the ICU in the ship’s hospital. The doctor diagnosed a coronary and will transfer him to a proper hospital on our next stop in St Thomas.”
Two days later, we stopped there and witnessed the patient and his wife being evacuated.
The other lady who looked sadder explained the reason for being so when she found out in conversation that I am a surgeon and Marie is a nurse.
“Mine was a last-minute decision to join the cruise,” she said as we started talking.
“Early this year my husband was diagnosed as a case of stomach cancer and died within three months. I was miserable and couldn’t get over the shock. So my two neighbours who were booked on the cruise persuaded me to join them. So here I am.”
The third one was an old lady in a wheelchair nursed lovingly by a younger woman. The latter brought lunch from the buffet table.
“Bring me vanilla ice cream with chocolate and some blue cheese with a couple of biscuits,” the old lady said when she finished her main course. This was dutifully served and then the old lady was taken to her cabin for a siesta.
When the young lady came back to finish her lunch, I complemented her.
“I wish I would have someone like you to nurse me when my time comes.”
She smiled. “She is my aunt and has pots of money.” Looking at me cynically, she added, “I am her only living relative!”
Finally, the solitary old man. He had a doll with him and he kept talking to it. Seeing the surprise on our faces, he decided to reveal his secret.
“This is my wife’s doll,” he said. “My wife and I have done 10 cruises on this ship, to different destinations – Mediterranean, Trans-Atlantic, Caribbean, Alaska, Norwegian Fjords and Suez Canal.” A dark shadow floated on his face.
“She died last year and I decided to relive the cruises we took together. Now that she is no longer my travelling companion, I take her doll with me and talk to it.”
He then changed the subject and provided us with some gossip about his previous cruise.
“A man reported to the captain that his wife had disappeared from their cabin the previous night. The ship was searched with a tooth comb but there was no trace of the woman.
A few months later, evidence emerged that one night the man had pushed his wife while they were romantically watching the star-studded sky.
The crime was suspected when the body was recovered and the husband claimed a large insurance on his wife’s life!”
Our last stop was Barbados, where we went on a tour of the city in the company of another couple.
The most notable place we visited there was St James Anglican Cathedral established in 1682. On the pews, we saw photographs of the Reagans, Kofi Annan and his wife, Tony Blair and Cherie.
Apparently, they had prayed in that church at different times and their photographs were placed on the pews they had occupied!
Talking of “another couple”, they are from Nairobi, our friends for 40 years. When they decided to join us on the cruise, our mutual friends wondered if our friendship would survive the ordeal!
If it was meant to be a test of endurance, we all four came out of it with flying colours. Just as well Marie and I cruised with them. They had decided to stay on the ship for one extra day to explore Barbados.
Since we were flying home at the end of the cruise, we had to vacate our cabin and they kindly offered us the use of theirs for a few hours.
I was changing in their bathroom in readiness to disembark when I heard a scream from inside the cabin. The man had dislocated his shoulder and was in agony.
Hearing his painful screams, I rushed out in my underpants. I climbed on the bed on which he lay writhing in pain. I carried out a difficult manoeuvre to successfully reduce the dislocation.
Marie’s remark: “In all your 50 years as a surgeon, I have never seen you carry out a surgical procedure in your underpants!”
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